The sky was gray and everything around me had no life or any signs of conviction whatsoever so the walk home was definitely the worst. I felt so ashamed and disappointed of myself. As I walked out, in my mind I said goodbye to everything around me because I won’t be able to come back. As I took each step my guilt level rose each time my feet hit the ground once more. I couldn’t take it but it was like I was being punished for my transactions. Tears filled my eyes but they stubbornly refused to fall out no matter how bad the feeling got. An uneasy feeling filled my stomach and mind. I was stuck walking with an infinite amount of thoughts circulating through my head. I couldn’t focus on one thing and everything just destroyed my mental articulation as a whole. The cold was so bitter to me. I could feel the low temperature biting at my hands and arms as I walked. It didn’t matter to me and I walked with a lifeless stature. My facial expressions remained the same, my skin was cold and pale, I walked in a set direction, and I did not make any contact with anything. I couldn’t help but stare forward into nothing. Nothing could phase me.
As I grew closer to my house it came more apparent to me that I’m going to have to deliver the news to my loved ones. My mom, my siblings, and my girlfriend. I became nervous and I began sweating heavily despite being colder than a freezer. Thoughts of death filled my mind. At that moment in time, I wished an unsuspecting driver took my life away so I didn’t have to see the disappointment on their faces and in their voices. Multiple scenarios crossed my mind and I had a spark of hope every time I heard a car, hoping it would hit me. It didn’t and now I’m sitting here, wallowing in my failure, and waiting for the right time to reveal my dilemma.
I couldn’t suppress the thoughts that engulfed my mind with sadness. I was previously bothered by petty thoughts that can’t compare to this. Those thoughts left my mind as soon as this happened to me. I dropped everything in my mind and focused on this. I couldn’t believe it. I had no words or expression for these events. I fucked up, again. There was no dramatic breakdown. There was no begging and crying. There was no screaming and yelling. There was no destruction where ever I went. Nothing. If I did those things, it wouldn’t express how I truly felt. For the first time in my life, I couldn’t show you what was going through my mind. I couldn’t take it at all. There was no physical, mental, verbal, or emotional translation to any of this. I couldn’t make out a face. I couldn’t focus on one single detail. I couldn’t feel anything besides disappointment. I couldn’t say a word. As soon as the last words were said to me, I walked out without notice. There was nothing left for me there.
4. That’s all it took, 4. I didn’t succeed the first 3 times and I wanted to make everyone proud by at least finishing the final one. I couldn’t do it. It was my personal goal to work it out until the end. I wanted to be just like my siblings, I wanted to see the end no matter how hard or daunting it was. No matter how many times I was insulted, no matter how many times I was pushed down, and no matter how many times it got harder, I would push further and keep my head up. It was the principal of the matter. I wanted to show everyone that I could do this and that I don’t need alternative measures to get through it. Too bad, I didn’t get very far.
My determination, my motivation, and my willingness to throw myself into success wasn’t good enough. My hopes and dreams seemed crushed and destroyed. Nobody will truly understand how saddening this is to me. It hasn’t hit me yet, I know it hasn’t. I’m like a volcano just waiting to erupt in tears when the time is right.
But in time I’ll realize that it’s only a setback that I will overcome.
